Tech!

Every now and then I get this irresistible urge to do something stupid. Like the other day I thought I'll change my phone company. Now this is as stupid as, say, wanting to change an axe murderer for a chain-saw murderer, they'll both kill you. There is no such thing as a phone company with better service, because they are all just as bad. Notwithstanding, I went to a shop and bought myself a new phone contract, which I thought would be the end of it. If only I was not so naive.

Apparently, I had to first activate my new contract. Now, I can never understand this - and that might be because half my brain is dead - why could they not sell you a contract that's already activated. What kind of person would walk all the way to a shop, pay good money to buy a contract, and then think you know what I'll never use this. I would indeed love to meet this person, there are so many things I can sell him.

So, I called them to activate my account. I was expecting to encounter a resentful attendant in Gurgaon, who would, before he activated my account, ask me if I wanted to switch to every other calling plan they had that I had not picked. What I got was even worse. It was a stupid computer, masquerading as a sweet woman with a distinctly midwestern accent, talking to me. Now people will tell me that computers these days are smart, and I won't believe that because they are not. So here's how the conversation went:

midwestern computer: Welcome to AT&T Cingular. To continue in English say "English". Para Espanol....

me: English

midwestern computer: Ok. English. Tell me what you would like to do (me: If only you were real, a lot of things really). For Billing enquiries say "Billing". For Technical Problems, say "Technical Problems". For anything else, say "Other"

me: Other

midwestern computer: Ok. Other. What exactly would you like to do? To activate your account, say "Activate account"...

me: Activate account

midwestern computer: Ok. Activate Account. I'll need a few details for that. Let's start with your name. Can you spell your first name for me please.

me: "S" "U" "D" "H" "A" "N" "S" "H" "U"

midwestern computer:  Ok. "S" "U" "B" "H" ...

me: no, thats not what I said...

midwestern computer: Sorry I couldn't get you. to continue say "Continue". To start over say "Start over"

me: start over

midwestern computer. Ok. start over. For Billing enquiries say "Billing"....

me: No woman, I just wanted you to get my name correct...

midwestern computer: Sorry. I don't get you. For billing enquiries....

me: No No No you stupid woman, I don't want to go through all that all over again...

She however would not give up, so I did go through all that again, till we got back to my name.

midwestern computer: Ok. "S" "U" "D" "H" "A" "M" "S" "H" "U". If that is correct say "Continue", if not say "Its wrong" 

me: "Its wrong"

midwestern computer: Ok. Lets try again. Can you spell your first name please?

And we repeated the drill, about fifteen thousand times, and still the stupid thing from chicago still couldn't get my name right. Finally I gave up. I just walked all the way back to the shop and asked for my money back. The guy at the counter of course asked me what the problem was and got my account activated in about 30 seconds. 

Relieved, I walked back thinking, why exactly did I change the phone company in the first place?